Bucket List Thinking
at the farm
When we were driving home from Kingston, post-Easter holidaying at the farm, I was filled with ideas. Future plans. Things I want to do someday. Big things. Let me get them down on the page. (And maybe you’d like to share your big plans in the comments below; I’d love to hear them.)
** Bike trip through Ireland (or another beautiful place). With the whole family, if possible.
** Own a horse. Actually, own two horses, so AppleApple and I can go riding together.
** Write and record an album of songs. (This would require devoting several hours a day to singing and playing.)
** Spend a year training five or six hours a day and run an ultramarathon (like the Canadian Death Race, even though that’s a terrible title for a race).
** Tear down our garage and build a small apartment that could house university-aged children.
** Share a getaway in the country with friends, for retreats, summer holidays, etc.
** Get a dog. (I don’t know why that seems like such a big thing, but it does!)
But upon reflection, this morning, I see that I’ve already accomplished some of the big things I once dreamed of doing, and I want to recognize that too. I wanted to be a mother, and I have children. From a very young age, I intended to be a writer, and I’ve published two books. As a child, I dreamed of being a runner, and now I’ve completed a marathon. As an adult, I was troubled by the fact that I’d never learned how to swim, and I’ve learned. Once upon a time, all of the above were just hopes and imaginings and dreams. I’ve been so fortunate.
Last night I went to a kundalini yoga class. It’s been about a year since I last took kundalini. The experience felt different this time around. In the interim, I’ve pushed my body further than it had ever gone before. But I also learned that my body could be pushed too far, and injured, and that’s changed how I think about effort and pain. I felt so attuned to my own body, last night. It was easy to listen to it, and hear what it was saying — to recognize the difference between the agony of effort and the pain of gone-too-far. I felt more cautious, and yet also more available, more open to the movements, like I could flip a switch and go there. I felt a deep trust — of myself. But here’s the thing. The sense of wonder and discovery is not the same. I’ve learned my body is capable of accomplishing very difficult tasks. I’ve learned that I am strong. When I first started kundalini, now a few years ago, I was utterly amazed, blown away by what my body could do. I had no idea.
Now I know.
That takes away some of the sheen of adventure and discovery. But it also means there is room for a richer, more layered experience. It’s like having the second child. You’re simultaneously more relaxed, more laid-back, and not as blown away by the newness of discovering what it means to be a parent. It’s familiar, it’s known territory.
I think life should have a balance of known and unknown experiences. I’m not sure we get to choose these experiences, at least not all of the time. But I like thinking about what I would choose, if I could. And what I’ve chosen. And how I’m working out that balance in my life right now.
Can I tell you something? I really really really want to write a book in this blog-voice. Not a book based on the blog. But a book that would capture the yearning, reflection, wondering, and experimenting that I feel this blog is really about. Put that on the first list. I have no idea how it would be shaped. But I’m opening my mind to the possibility.
The many stages of reading
So often, starting a project is the hardest part. Last month, a literary friend, Kristen den Hartog, whom I know only virtually (another reason that I love blogs!) asked whether I’d like to write a guest post on her blog, which is charmingly titled “Blog of Green Gables.” In fact, hers was the first blog I ever subscribed to by email, and I’m always happy to find an update in my inbox. (You can subscribe to my blog the same way, if that sounds appealing.) Kristen posts beautifully illustrated, thoughtful, informative, long-form reflections on reading books with her daughter. Most recently, they’ve been reading through Roald Dahl, and her last post was on Peter Pan.
I was thrilled to be asked to contribute on the subject of reading to/with my kids.
And then I got stuck. I tried this, I tried that. The subject seemed suddenly vast, my thoughts on it scattered and disparate. I set the attempted essay aside. And I waited. It took me several weeks to understand why I was feeling overwhelmed and disorganized: because the shared reading experience has changed so much over the years. There have been more stages than I can count. Many detours. Memorable moments. So many amazing books discovered. And perhaps just as many tedious ones too. When I think about reading with my children an entire photo album of memories comes flooding into my mind.
Once I understood the problem, I embraced it. I decided to write about the many stages of reading. And here is the essay. I love the way Kristen has illustrated it. I hope you’ll enjoy it too.
:::
P.S. Met my deadline without breaking a sweat yesterday. Now onward to writing week. Talk about starting being the hardest part …
Get up and fly
flying
On this morning’s run, my friend and I were talking about exercising. About how exercise keeps us balanced, mentally. Yet when we most need to move, to sweat, to feel alive in our bodies is often when we are least in the mood for it. Mental strength underpins physical strength; and we don’t always feel strong or motivated or inspired. I still find it unpleasant, every morning, when the alarm goes off early. I feel resistant to leaving my warm bed and the sweet state of sleep. Every single morning. There hasn’t been one morning when I’ve greeted the alarm by leaping up with joy in my heart. But I do it. And within minutes I’ve gathered my clothes, I’m brushing my teeth, and I’m already beyond the yucky feeling of I don’t want to. I’m ready to go.
What’s the lesson here? Establish a habit. Make a routine that runs counter to your immediate instinct. I’ve never once regretted getting up early to exercise. Yet somehow my mind forgets that every morning. But that’s okay. Because my habits and routine remind me. Other tips for exercising regularly, even when you don’t feel like it: Meet someone — makes it harder to change your plan last-minute. Set out your clothes the night before. Get up and go. Don’t think about it, just do it.
Okay, enough with the motivational messaging.
Today is the day I dreamed of yesterday. The kids left for school with minimal complaining. Lots of kisses from the two youngest. Hugs from the two oldest. Quick nap. Cup of coffee. Finishing the last of the interviews for this article. Sitting and dreaming. Quiet house.
Have I told you that next week is a writing week? It will be my first writing week in this new office space. It will be my first attempt to dig into the new book. I may not update here on the blog quite as often; then again, I may need to blog more often, who knows.
Here are four things that are making me happy this morning.
One is the status update of a writer friend I know only on Facebook: “A must read. I simply can’t stop underlining this book!” with a link to The Juliet Stories. (Wish I could peek in her copy to see what she’s been drawn to.)
Two is a book review by my friend Nath, who didn’t tell me she’d decided to blog about The Juliet Stories. I love hearing her thoughts. Maybe we’ll even talk about it someday while we’re driving to spin class together (or biking outside together–soon!).
Three is an invitation from the Eden Mills Writers’ Festival to do a writing workshop with high school students, and to meet students, on two different occasions.
Four is doing interviews for this freelance piece. I think of myself as shy, but I’ve been really enjoying interviewing people. Maybe this relates back to my original thought o’ the day: don’t automatically trust your immediate instinct. Why would I think of myself as shy? I enjoy talking to be people, and do it regularly. In high school, I was genuinely shy. But that’s more than half my life ago. Time to update the mental self-image.
Please start afresh, week. Please?
the face of an Easter egg hunter, worried she’s missing something that somebody else might have found first
This week is ever so slightly refusing to start afresh.
I find long weekends disruptive, being the one at home handling the children (or even sharing the handling). It’s out of my routine. And I’m a routine-centred person. Yesterday the kids were home; Kevin was not. But work went on. At least, I attempted to work. I sent emails. I did an interview. I was absolutely buried in mountains of laundry. I baked bread. I let the kids run wild. I let them play wii for way too long. There were playdates. I was just scarcely paying enough attention. Everything turned out fine.
But, oh, I was so looking forward to today.
And then, just as the kids were putting on coats and boots and packing school bags this morning, literally minutes before my week was due to begin afresh, the child pictured above announced that she couldn’t go. Her tummy hurt. An ache? Nausea? Pain? What exactly? Was it truly school-missing-worthy? She insisted. Finally, I accepted. After all, I didn’t want to send a sick child to school. So here she is at home, with me, in my office right now, wandering the small space, alternately curling in the chair, making the stool squeak as she tries to twirl it, and asking whether she might, just maybe, watch a movie??
Um, no. No rewards offered for missing school. No incentives to repeat this act tomorrow. Is she sick? I’m not sure. If so, she’s not very sick. For which I am appreciative. Tomorrow is another day. I hope to heck we can start the week afresh then. Mama needs some alone-time.
more Easter egg hunters, concerned they might be missing out
(These photos crack me up. Instead of capturing delighted little faces, my camera seemed to have grabbed expressions of vague anxiety and concern: Someone else might be finding something that I want! There were comparisons of basket contents, and much discussion (okay, argument) over how many eggs everyone should be allowed to find. And, in CJ’s case, there was a sort of puzzlement, like: Is this egg all there is? Really? This is what I’ve been looking for?)
but he looks pretty cute here
Let Them Eat Cake!
cake, please
Please note: I have not personally attempted these recipes yet; these are recommendations from friends who have baked them. None involve a boxed mix. Come the next kid’s birthday party, I’ll be clicking this link in my virtual recipe box, and trying one of these out. If you try one too, let me know.
**Nath’s recipes**
Yellow Butter Cake
{This is your basic not-chocolate cake for layering. I like it – it’s dense and yummy}
2 sticks (1 cup) unsalted butter, room temperature {No! DO NOT grease your pans with butter! I will explain at the end}
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for pans
1 1/2 cups cake flour (not self-rising) {you can use regular flour. The cake police won’t come to get you. It just won’t have as dense and crumbly a crumb}
1 Tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt {optional}
1 3/4 cups sugar
4 large eggs
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups milk
Preheat the oven to 350. Grease two 9×2 inch round cake pans.* Into a medium bowl, sift together flours, baking powder, and salt.
In a separate bowl beat the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. Beat in eggs, one at a time, then beat in vanilla. Add the flour mixture in three parts, alternating with the milk, beginning and ending with the flour; beat until combined after each addition. {me, I cheat. Half the dry, all the milk, other half of the dry}
Divide the batter between the prepared pans, and smooth. Bake, rotating the pans halfway through, 30 to 35 minutes. Transfer pans to wire rack to cool 20 minutes. Invert cakes onto the rack. Reinvert the cakes and let them cool completely, top sides up.
*Nath’s note on greasing pans:
Ugly truth: I use shortening. That hydrogenated oil stuff we’re not supposed to eat because it’ll give us heart disease. It’s my only use for shortening – I don’t use it anywhere else but to grease pans. We’re talking about a teaspoon between two cake pans when I make a cake, so I figure I’m not poisoning my family. But it works like a dream for keeping cakes from sticking. When I use this, and then flour the pans, the cake comes right out. Every time. I have tried with butter and no parchment, and it was not pretty. Butter plus parchment works ok, but it’s more work, and I’m basically wasting paper.
:::
White cupcakes
Makes 2-dozen
{This is white because there are no egg yolks. Good day to make custard. Or tiramisu. Or lemon curd to go between the cake layers. Turn this into a layer cake by using two 9-inch cake pans, just follow baking directions above for times. You do need to separate eggs. But it only takes a minute, and then a few minutes to beat the egg whites, I promise!}
3 cups cake flour
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
3 sticks (1 1/2 cups) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 1/4 cups sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup milk
8 large egg whites
Preheat the oven to 350. Line two standard 12-cup muffin pans with paper liners. Into a medium bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder and salt.
In a separate bowl, beat the butter and 2 cups sugar until light and fluffy, 3 to 4 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. Beat in the vanilla. With mixer on low speed, add flour mixture in three parts, alternating with the milk and beginning and ending with the flour; beat until just combined.
In the clean bowl, beat egg whites on low speed until foamy. With mixer running, gradually add remaining 1/4 cup sugar; beat on high speed until stiff, glossy peaks form, about 4 minutes. Do not overbeat {I love this instruction. How are you supposed to know until it’s too late?! But do beat it a lot – makes for a fluffier cake.} Gently fold a third of the egg-white mixture into the butter-flour mixture until combined. Gently fold in the remaining whites.
Divide batter evenly among the muffin cups, filling each with a heaping 1/4 cup batter. Bake, rotating pans halfway through, 20 to 25 minutes. Transfer pans to wire rack. Invert cupcakes onto the rack; then reinvert and let them cool completely, top sides up.
:::
Martha’s Birthday Cake
{This one is a bonus. It doesn’t fit the easy party cake criterion, but it’s so delicious! Maybe when you have a little more time someday? (it’s not really *that* much longer than just a regular cake…) It’s meant to be baked in a bowl (so it’s a dome), but I think I just made it as a layer-cake in 9-inch pans. Anyway, take it or leave it, but it is my favourite white cake so far.}
4 sticks (1 pound) unsalted butter, room temperature, plus more for bowl {that’s a lot of butter!}
3 cups cake flour, plus more for bowl
4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt, plus a pinch
2 cups plus 1 Tbsp sugar
2 vanilla beans, split lengthwise and seeds scraped {did I mention this is delicious??}
8 large egg whites
Preheat the oven to 350. Generously butter the inside of a 10-inch stainless steel bowl (4 1/2 to 6 inches deep). Dust with flour, and tap out the excess; set aside.* Into a medium mixing bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder and 1/4 tsp salt.
In a separate bowl, beat butter, 2 cups sugar, and vanilla seeds on medium speed until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes, scraping down the sides of the bowl as needed. Add the flour mixture in 4 parts, alternating with the milk, and beginning and ending with the flour; beat until just combined.
In a clean bowl, beat the egg whites and the pinch of salt on high speed until soft peaks form. Add the remaining tablespoon of sugar, and continue to beat until medium-stiff peaks form, about 2 minutes. Whisk a third of the egg-white mixture into the butter-flour mixture to lighten, then use a rubber spatula to gently fold in remaining whites until just combined.
Pour the batter into the prepared bowl, and smooth the top. Bake, rotating bowl halfway through, until the cake is golden brown and a cake tester comes out clean, about 1 hour 40 minutes. If the cake begins to get too dark, cover loosely with aluminium foil) {if you’re baking in cake pans, just bake it about 30-40 minutes}. Transfer bowl to wire rack to cool for 30 minutes {20 for cake pans}. Invert cake onto the rack and let cool completely.
:::
**Marita’s recipes**
Lemon Chiffon Cake
2 cups cake flour
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup oil
8 eggs separated
1/4 cup + 2 Tbsp lemon juice*
1/4 cup water
2 1/2 tbsp grated lemon peel*
1/2 tsp cream of tartar
1. preheat oven to 325F
2. in a large bowl sift together first four ingredients (me, I just mix them together with a fork)
3. add everything except egg whites and cream of tartar, mix on low
4. in separate bowl, beat on high egg whites and cream of tartar until soft peaks
5. mix in about a third of the egg whites to rest
6. fold in remaining egg whites–don’t over mix
7. add to tube cake pan, bake for 75 minutes
8. when done, take out of oven and cool upside down over wine bottle
Marita’s Notes:
1. Because I am lazy and cheap, I use only two lemons. If I’m lucky, the rind is about right, if not, I don’t sweat it. I also measure the water and lemon juice together, adding the lemon juice of two lemons first to the measuring cup, with water to make up the rest. Sometimes, the lemon juice makes up most of the 1/2 cup. It doesn’t seem to affect anything but taste, being more lemony.
2. Don’t use butter. I had to last time and it tasted fine, but it didn’t rise enough and end up being only about half as tall as normal.
3. You could ice this, but I always just put whipped cream and strawberries on top.
4. Don’t grease pan otherwise it won’t rise properly and it will fall out when inverted to cool.
{I also make Apple Cake with Maple Walnut Cream Cheese Frosting every autumn, either for my birthday or for equinox. I put in dried cranberries instead of raisins and use whatever tart-ish apples I have on hand. The icing is amazing!}
{And Simple Vanilla Cake.}