This is where I begin

2022-08-15_12-41-51I want to write about how to be, how to get through the days when I’m feeling weak, discouraged, overwrought (or perhaps under-wrought?), weighed down, anxious. I want to know how to be the kind of person who can experience such emotions and somehow surf atop the worries and fears and enjoy the day, nevertheless. There are many things to worry about, after all. The details may change, but there is always a list, available for the mind to scroll through, no matter the season.

Why are some days harder than others? Is it what’s happening externally, or is it how I’m framing things, seeing things, inside my own mind?

I don’t know.

But there is no perfect day, no perfect hour; that I do know. There is no reason to wait.

I lay out the template for survival, for dressing for the weather, for putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again. I step into it.

What am I missing? Can I fill a gap, answer a need? Is there something on my mind that I long to say to someone, a message I long to share that is waiting for the right moment to be spoken out loud … or let go of, maybe? Is the sense of fear or worry based on something real? And, if it is based on something real, is it something over which I have control? Would the problem, whatever it may be, be solved or helped by my immediate attention and focus?

Or, is everything actually okay, right now? Or, is it both? Not okay and okay.

How to clear a pathway for the mind to do its work, with clarity? How to be not okay and okay at once?

Not okay: The house smells like skunk and mothballs, the kitchen is somewhat torn apart, there is an excess of cucumbers and zucchini in the refrigerator, someone I love is in pain, I woke every hour last night.

Okay: The dog doesn’t smell too much of skunk, the neutralizing paste mixed up at midnight was quite effective, there is an excess of cucumbers and zucchini, the stove works, I walked with a friend this morning, yoga felt amazing.

The details of our days matter. It’s where we live, after all. Not in some theoretical place, but here, now, with whatever our bodies are telling us. I haven’t cracked the code for how to enjoy every bit of it; that bar is too high. So I tell myself: bring the bar down a bit lower … lower … lower yet … and appreciate what you’re doing on a small scale, how you broached a tough conversation, or bit your tongue, how you looked up new recipes, got creative, took a nap, did what you needed to be more kind.

How can I be more kind? To myself, to everyone else? This is where I begin, over and over again.

xo, Carrie

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3 Comments

  1. I’m sorry, but this kind of self-indulgent pity party is too too much! With all the suffering, chaos and violence in the world, you’re navel-gazing and complaining about …. about what?

    You just published a new book! You have a family, a nice house, a nice community; you live in a nice country.

    Give us a break.

    Reply
  2. Thanks so much for this, Carrie.
    I am…having a bit of a day over here and have found comfort in your honest words and your constant reaching for kindness. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I admire the way you walk through the world.
    xo~p

    Reply
  3. Being kind to yourself is surely the right place to begin. You are enough exactly as you are. Always.

    Reply

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