Top ten basically ineffectual ways to stay cool in a heatwave

dogs try to cool off by sleeping under shady things, like desks

1. Forget air conditioning. That would work, but we don’t have it anymore.

2. Open windows at night. And whenever it’s cooler outside than in. Run fans. We have an upstairs fan to circulate air that sounds like a jet engine. Our ceiling fans run 24/7. Close windows and blinds during the day. Except none of this is actually working. Our upstairs thermostat has reached 91 degrees Fahrenheit. That does not include the humidex.

3. Get in a car. Seriously, I’ve been enjoying my occasional stints as taxi service for soccering children. Given the opportunity, I completely lose all green inclinations and totally blast myself in chilly air.

4. Wear next to nothing. The kids and I have this down to an art. CJ tells me his shirts feel scratchy. I would have to concur. Plus, clothes get wet and stick to me. Feels gross. Don’t drop by, please.

5. Ice maker in fridge. This rules. It’s working overtime, however, and its supplies are seriously depleted. But there’s nothing better than a cool glass of water, puddling in its own condensation all over my manuscript. Wait. That’s not good. When I notice, I go and get a coaster.

6. Sometimes when I’m getting something out of the fridge, I keep the door open a little longer than strictly necessary and lean in there. Ah.

7. Popsicles. Bless you, frozen juice, for you are sweet and cold.

8. The Long Winter. I’m reading this classic survival story to the kids right now, and we keep thinking it’s going to send us off to bed feeling cold. So far, no luck, but it does make us feel lucky to have food. Speaking of which, we’re eating no food that requires turning on the stove. Plus, nobody’s hungry. We’re too hot. I could pretty much live off of popsicles and almonds right now.

9. The pool! We’ve been going to the local outdoor pool in the evening to swim with all the other people who don’t have air conditioning and need a break. This works brilliantly for the time we’re at the pool. I’ve actually stepped out of the water, two hours later, shivering with goosebumps. Of course, we’re hot by the time we get home again.

10. Exercise early or late. Never never never in the middle of the day. I see people running by at noon and I think, dehydration and heat stroke. And I stay inside at my desk typing in my own private pool of sweat and tears. Just kidding about the tears.

11. Number eleven is not a way to stay cool, it’s a declaration: I love the heat! Love it. This is my idea of a perfect summer, soaking in the warmth, walking outside on a hot night, swimming lengths under the sun, and just generally filling myself up with summer in preparation for all the fallwinterspring that is part of the bargain of being Canadian.

Texting with my husband, Thursday, noonish
Summer storm

1 Comment

  1. Karl K.

    …too hot to comment…


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