Grey day

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I miss my voice.

There are so many common, every day interactions that just aren’t the same without a voice.

I can’t parent very effectively. “Mom whispered sternly at me,” Albus said on Monday, which cracked me up; but as of yesterday, I’m not even whispering. I’m clapping or stamping my feet to get children’s attention. I’m gesturing and writing notes or texts. But mostly I’m just letting things go by, because it takes so much energy to express the smallest idea. It means I’m not speaking my mind, often.

I can’t coach soccer very effectively. Earlier this week, I made it through a practice and a game using the three whs: whisper, whistle and whiteboard. The girls were great, respectful and helpful and understanding, even seeing the humour in our situation, but I can’t get all of the important messages across without a voice.

I can’t lead conversations around the table that draw everyone in, and bring us together as a family.

I can’t talk on the phone (not that I like talking on the phone, but it’s useful).

I can’t make small talk with strangers or kids or parents by the soccer field or people at check-out counters, or say thank you to a friendly swim instructor, or a person who is holding open a door. I can’t make that connection. I can’t start amusing little conversations, stand up for myself in complicated situations, or contribute to shooting the shit. I can’t make light because I can’t noise.

I can’t have long rambling chats with AppleApple as I drive her to soccer games.

I can’t talk to Kevin. We haven’t been able to have our tea-on-the-couch evening catch-up chats, or our dog-walk chats.

I can’t sing.

I can’t do anything social with friends. I’ve missed both runs with friends this week and will miss boot camp with friends tomorrow, all because I can’t talk, and I don’t want to strain my voice by whispering, and I know that if I go I will definitely whisper, because it’s really hard to be silent in situations that require at least a minimum of conventional social interaction.

It’s amazing how forced silence makes me feel as if my behaviour is rude, intransigent, unfriendly, unwelcoming. I’m not to blame for my silence, but my silence makes me feel that I must be to blame. I feel immense guilt for not being able to respond or reach out.

I have been without a voice since Sunday. Only five days, and already I feel more and more invisible, isolated, lonely, self-pitying, discouraged, and down. I am not myself without my voice. What am I learning? Compassion, I hope. Compassion for those in a new place, learning a new language, or silenced by circumstance. Speech is a gift. When speech returns, I’m going to remember how wonderful it is to CONNECT, to be UNDERSTOOD, to ACKNOWLEDGE, to THANK, to ENCOURAGE, to DRAW OUT, to QUESTION, to LEAD.

xo, Carrie

Voiceless
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4 Comments

  1. Though you may not have a physical voice you can use, your writing voice is just lovely! I’m enjoying your posts very much! Thank you! (Fan from Canadian Writers’ Summit!)

    Reply
  2. I had complete laryngitis with pneumonia when I was eight months pregnant with my third. It was the one and only time I ever hit one of my kids (on the head to stop him from beating up his brother because I could neither use my voice nor physically pull him off given the belly situation). I feel for you. Whiskey? Massage? Sleep? Be well.

    Reply
  3. It is so hard to not have a voice. I can sympathize with you there. It’s disconcerting. You have a very pleasant voice. I enjoyed listening to your instructions on writing and your thoughts on creating a more open writing mindset. You can write, if you cannot speak, but hope your voice returns promptly. I’m sure your whole family miss it very much.

    Reply
  4. I lost my voice once after singing Total Eclipse of the Heart while nursing a sore throat—big mistake. Thinking of you and wishing you lots of tea and a recovery that comes soon.

    Reply

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