Aiming for something …

March12 265

Drifted off to sleep last night meditating on my new character, thinking about what I would write today. Yesterday was a tough day. My baby turned four. I had a sense of aimlessness all day, despite discovering this terrific review from Halifax’s The Coast, and, later in the day, this. Nice, right? But the aimless feeling prevailed.

Finally, I left my office and walked uptown to buy my four-year-old a gift. A book, of course! Everywhere I looked it seemed women were out walking their babies. But not me. Just a short while ago, being out and about mid-day unemcumbered by small children would have seemed incredibly novel, and thrilling. Suddenly, it’s every day.

My book is gone too, off to see the world. I was having a now-what feeling?

Somehow, I’ve gotten into the habit of thinking that change is propelled by unhappiness. Certainly, unhappiness can be a powerful motivator to kick us out of negative habits. But it occurred to me this morning that of course there are many other triggers for change. And the instinct to make wholesale changes in a moment of doubt isn’t necessarily positive. If I were even five years younger, I would probably be seriously considering adding another child to the family. That is the kind of change that I could so easily understand and embrace. But I know that’s not the right change anymore. I know in my heart that it’s not even change I really want.

Guess I don’t know what changes are calling me. I just know that seeing my babies grow up, buying more time for myself during the day … well, it’s not as straightforward as I thought it would be. It doesn’t equal direction or ease. The big questions remain. Am I spending my time wisely? Am I doing what I love? Also, a question that never lets me go: am I adding something good into the world, by my actions, by my choices, with my life?

How does it feel?
Be kind

4 Comments

  1. Just started the Juliet Stories on Kobo reader, so thanks for releasing that baby into the world. As a nearly 45 year old mother to 10 and 12-year-old sons, I feel the same teetering on the brink of possibility while looking back wistfully at my now tall and deep-voiced ‘babies’ as they lurch towards manhood. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on mommyhood and writing.

    Reply
  2. And thanks for reading. And for letting me know.

    Reply
  3. Carrie,
    I also wanted to let you know that I just finished reading the Juliet Stories and was captivated by them.
    I’ve been following your blog for about two years now after being introduced to it by a mutual friend – Rebecca Seiling. Thanks for a wonderful read. I’ve been talking it up with friends.
    Wendy Janzen

    Reply
  4. Hi Wendy, Thanks for letting me know! I’m so glad to hear you enjoyed The Juliet Stories — and thank you for spreading the word. I do hope more people will find the book, read it, and enjoy it, and word of mouth is the best way to let people know.
    (And I love Rebecca’s blog too.)

    Reply

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